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::Musings::

I miss Angelus. No, not the kill, maim, end-the-world Angelus. I miss *my* Angelus. I miss my *Sire*. He knew what to do when something went wrong. He knew how to handle unexpected situations. He didn't use gel to make his hair resemble that of a Backstreet Boy. He was predictable. Angel is still -- technically -- my Sire, but he is definitely not Angelus.

First off, Angelus was sane. At least a little sane. Since I've gotten here, Angel has attacked me, dropped me, sniffed me, growled at me, and he... The bloody pouf giggled! How in the world is a guy supposed to think rational thoughts when his bloody Sire breaks out into giggles? I mean, really! Angel does not giggle. Well, he didn't giggle up until yesterday, when he had that emotional breakdown on the couch. Then...

Why did nobody think to tell me that my very own Sire had a son? Yes. A right pillock, the boy is. Keeps his hair all pretty and soft lookin'. Just like his dear old dad. No, I'm not jealous. Why in all heaven and earth would I be jealous? I was first born. Okay, maybe I wasn't sent from the loins of the great poof, Angel, and the mighty bint, Darla, but I was hand chosen... kinda.

Okay, so Drusilla made me, but Angel was there in the background. He was making sure she didn't botch it up. I know that now. Dru was a good vampire. She was soulless and meticulous in her work -- but she was also crazy beyond repair and she had a tendency to make mistakes. If I had let her, she would have changed a baby or two. She started feeling all maternal around the turn of the century but I stopped her from doing anything... crazy. I think it would be best if I clear my throat and change the subject now.

So, this Connor kid. Seems he got that Cordelia chick pregnant. Okay, I've done some pretty disgusting and weird things in my life... unlife, but that is just too strange. Seeing as how Angel seemed to be acting all cozy with her while the kid was a tot, isn't that just like him sleeping with his mum? Now, let's not bring Dru into this. That is completely different. First off, we were -- I mean, are -- vampires. Second... You know what, I don't have to justify myself. If I hadn't been there with her, at one time, then I wouldn't be where I am now, soulful and at the mercy of my estranged Sire. Dear God, my life sucks. No pun intended.

You know, if I told Angel all my thoughts about this, he would probably laugh. That would be humiliating, having a guy like Angel laugh at me, I mean. If he didn't laugh, he would probably get that thoughtful look on his face and nod his head like he understood everything I was going through. Angel really is horrible when it comes to emotional situations. He either gets all defensive or fangy. Like I care whether he left us all those years ago. I already got more than enough penance from the man. Just so you know, I don't really hate Angel; I'm just a vindictive bastard.

All I ever wanted as a newly sired childe was to make Angelus happy. After the newness wore off, all I wanted was to make Drusilla love me more than Angelus, while making both Angelus and Darla hate me. In the end, Drusilla could never love me as much as she loved our sire, Angelus could never hate me -- although he passionately inflicted all kinds of lovely pains on my hide -- and Darla... Well, she was the only one out of those three I could control in any form or fashion. She was as predictable as London's weather and about as dry as my mum's toast. I can still hear her. "Angelus, I think our boy needs a lesson in reverence." "Darling, have you disciplined the whelp today?" She was a real bitch.

Of course, Peaches was nothing to swoon over either, unless it was from blood loss. He would answer, "Yes, Darla" or "Anything for you, my love" and then he would take me in a back room to whip me, tie me up, or just pound me, until I bled and moaned obscenities between my pleas for mercy. Good times. I'm glad they're over.

Now, the poof expects me to sit here and 'think things over'. Well, I'm obliged to do it. I think a good brooding session is in order for dear, little ol' me. I mean, first all that sniffing, which I am sure he smelled Buffy and the rest of the litter, all over me. Buffy... Let's not go there. Then, of course, the growling and the 'little brother', and after the lot of 'em got back from Starbucks -- or whatever place heroes hang out at in the middle of the night -- someone mention a 'Shanshu'. Angel got all glowery and started growling again.

Apparently, he thinks I may steal some type of prophecy that he thinks should belong to him. Well, I'll tell you what; I'm in no hurry to steal his stupid prophecy. I don't wanna be human and I truly don't think the Powers That Be can force that one on me. I will fight it teeth and nail, if I hafta. I'm not working for repentance. I'm working to keep the ones I love safe and I'm working so I don't die of boredom. I know the things I did as a soulless vampire and I can only be sorry for them once. After a while, the repentance thing gets old. I wish Angel could see it the way I do.

So, he was a ruthless son-of-a-bitch vampire, with a tendency to kill people in unspeakable ways. That's what vampires do. It was in his nature to be a ruthless killer. (The son of a bitch part was all him, though.) I mean, you can't expect a caterpillar to just crawl around for the rest of its life and not turn into that little cocoon thing, can you? At some point, the butterfly has to spread its wings, right?

I think I know why Angel has such a hard time letting go of his past. It's his soul. Well, duh, let me elaborate. His soul was cursed onto him. Like a muzzle being put onto a dog. From what I can tell, Angel is his soul. Yes, there is Angelus (crazed, end-the-world Angelus) right under his skin, but Angel is his soul. His soul is beautiful, in its own way, always wanting to save the world, and it is so strong, always fighting his biggest adversary, Angelus, who always wants to end the world... In other words, he is the worst case of crazy that I have ever seen.

I, on the other hand, went searching for my soul and it was entwined with my demon. It wasn't muzzled; it was tranquilized. My soul isn't trying to fight for control with my demon, and vice versa. They are one and they are me. So, yeah I feel bad about the havoc and mayhem I've caused, and I am prone to do some of it again -- minus the killing -- because I'm only little less than human, after all.

I'm not Batman, looking for revenge on a world gone bad, I'm not Superman, looking to save the world from itself, and, as sure as heaven is up, I am not Angel looking to save the world from myself. I am Spike: a good-looking, cocky, British vampire, with a leer that could make the most uninhibited libertine blush.

Who should I be looking for forgiveness from? Those that I killed? They're dead. The Powers? They're the reason I'm here in the first place. Buffy? I was there when she needed me. Angel? Well, there are mixed emotions on that one. First, he's the reason I am what I am. Part of me says screw you and the other says thank you. If he feels that he deserves an apology, too bad. I won't apologize to him and he better make sure he doesn't try apologizing to me. I don't wanna hear it.

I would like an apology from 'little brother', though. He was handing me a mug of blood and spilled it on my jacket. From what I hear, the kid isn't big on the clumsiness, so I'm guessing he did it on purpose. If he wants to push my buttons, fine -- but he better be sure I'll push his too, and probably twice as hard. He thinks he can do annoying? Ha! He doesn't know who he is dealing with. As a young childe, I found as many ways to annoy Angelus as I could. I could teach him a thing or two... Well, there's an idea. I could have a sort of brother/brother quality time thing with the kid and teach him how to ride his daddy's nerves till they just about snap. Now, that's what I call a good time!

Angel would bust a vein, if he knew what I was thinking. He should have thought twice about sending me over to my own corner to brood. Almost wish he would come over here and brood with me. Instead, he just spares me a few glances and hopes I don't notice. But I notice. He's worried that I'm going to go all crazy and kill things, just to spite my soul. Been there, done that. I don't like reruns, thank you. He thinks this is his fault. Well, yeah it is, but I wish he would stop taking all of my problems on himself, like he cared or something. Okay, it's not his fault, but it makes it easier on me to say it is and if that's wrong I don't care.

He's looking at me again. I can feel it. It's like my skin tries to crawl off my frame, every time he does that. I look up and catch him staring. Heh. Isn't that precious? He looks worried and slightly embarrassed for being caught. I could say some caustic remark, but I think I'll just grin and make him wonder what I'm thinking about.

What am I thinking about? Mostly, why am I here? Yep, that about sums it up. I'm sure Angel has some blindingly simple idea why I'm here. He's probably right about it too. Unless it's some crap about atonement and repentance, although I doubt he would ever assume either of those as a possibility. It's been a while, but I'm sure he knows me a little better than that.

The boy is staring at me, now. I'm feeling heat and ice hitting me, at the same time. A strange needling sensation is rolling right up my spine. I'm pretty sure that he hates me. It's probably because I'm a vampire. There are a lot of vampire haters out there -- with good reason, mind you. Vampire killed their sister, turned their cousin, drained their dog...

Vampires aren't picky about what they snack on, as long as it's warm and they are in a hurry. Well, most vampires aren't. I was raised by a ponce, so I'm kinda particular about my dining habits. Or, at least, I was. Now, I pretty much feast on the bovine special. Angel likes that. Thinks it's funny. He likes to watch me drink, I believe, almost as much as Angelus liked to watch me feed. Strange comparison, I know, but think about it. Angelus liked to watch me feed, no matter how sloppy or pretty of a job I made of it. It made him feel all strong and powerful to know that he was the reason I was there, taking life. I really don't know what Angel gets out of watching me drink cow's blood. He probably just gets a kick out of the fact that I cringe every time I take a sip. He always did have a twisted sense of humor.

Uh-oh. Angel is heading this way. He's running his hand through his hair in that 'I have something uncomfortable to talk about' way. I hate that. Angelus did that. Of course, it meant something different then. I'm going to pretend that I don't care that he is standing over me, until he says something important.

He clears his throat and sighs. Although breathing is truly lost on him, he sighs quite a lot. "Spike, you're starting to scare me." Well, that's a new one. I look up at him and take in the tender look he's giving me, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to kill myself, now. I'm quite positive that is not what I expected him to say, but I guess it deserves an answer.

How should I start? "Something wrong, Sire?" Egad, if I don't stop calling him Sire, he is going to think he has rights to beating my ass. "I mean, I'm just doing what you told me to do." That's right. How about let's remind him of what he said and then pointing out how compliant I've suddenly become. I'm sure that won't incite any old Sire/Childe feelings in the old boy.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm beginning to feel all self destructive when Angel breaks in. "Spike, you never do what I tell you to do. Why are you now?" The poof really is worried.

I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of trying to reassure this bloody fool, just because he is feeling unsure. I refuse to grace him with a response. He can stand there and look confused all he wants, I don't care. That's right, dear old Spike has ceased to care a wit. Oh, good. Glower a little for me, Angel. That'll make me spill my heart out to you. Who do you think I am? Penn? Now, with that cool look of indifference? Please! Like I didn't teach you that one! I turn away from him. It's all I can do, not to tell him everything that I've been thinking in my lonely little musings over here.

"Come on, Spike. Answer me." Ha! Like his Sire voice is going to get me to talk. "Why are you listening to me now? I thought you got a soul in Africa, not a brain." And then he threw down the gauntlet!

"Dear God, man! What do you want from me?" I'm on my feet now and I'm pretty sure I'm screaming obscenities into Angel's smiling face. To tell the truth, I'm not quite sure what words are coming out of my mouth, but Angel has the gall to look pleased with himself. "...I should kill you for all of the shit you've put me through..." I stop to take a breath, not because it's necessary, just to emphasize my statement. "...in these last few days alone." I say it on a sigh.

Angel is nodding, that smile firmly set on his jowls, and I want hurt him so bad, I can feel my fangs lower. "I thought the whole Connor thing was wigging you out."

"Whoa... Wigging me out? Sound like Buffy, much?" I guess the reference to 'you know who' was uncalled for, but Angel is being a prick so I am being the 'equal and opposite reaction' to his 'action'. "And who says it's Connor? Maybe it's you, Mr. big, dark, and morose."

I push at Angel and he's shifting on his feet, still grinning like a fool. "Big, dark, morose... It's in the job description. One thing bothers me, though. You forgot to add intelligent and painfully handsome."

I can't help but crack a smile at this and I look at the ground, hoping to hide the grin that's threatening to split my face in two. "Or maybe just a pain." I answer, with my own jest.

You know what? Maybe things are going to be all right. I mean, a guy can only brood so much, even when ordered by his Sire. Plus, don't I have a right to get back to my roots and try to figure out my life... umm, unlife? Angel has already said that his home is my home and I really should get to know my new brother... but, if Angel thinks that this means I'm going to obey him and his every whim, he has another think coming.

I won't go on any quests for the Powers, unless I feel the need to do so. I'm not going to replace my boots with a different pair of shoes, although they cause scuff marks on the lobby floor. I'm not going to curb my appetite for beer and those onion flower things, just because Angel finds it distasteful for me to be manly. I won't wear clothing to bed, even if it might accidentally scandalize one of the ladies of the house... Connor included.

I'm going to be tough to live with. I'll be downright pissy, most likely. But I'll tell you a secret. Angel isn't exactly the simplest guy to live with, and he certainly is not easy to understand, even when you're standing in his stylish yet affordable shoes. Knowing this makes it so much easier for me to look up into my Sire's face and know that it's going to be okay -- even if it's only for this little while.

Hey, I had to deal with this drama queen forever and a day; the least he can do is take care of me while I'm trying to settle my soul. I wanna say, 'Payback's a bitch, ain't it?' but it won't come out. He's still laughing and the boy is looking at his old man like the world is suddenly full of butterflies and kittens and everything's good and right with the world, and I can't say it.

And, all of a sudden, I know why I am here. I was searching for Angel and what I knew was the impossible, the unattainable. Acceptance. I realize now, that it is instantaneously the possible and the attained. When this epiphany hits me, I find myself fighting not to hug the big git. I mean, I'm happy, but I'm not crazy. Hell, life throws you for a loop sometimes, but you know what... I guess that's not so bad.

That's the End of Spike's Musings.

(My Explanation)-(I'm probably going to start another series related to this story, but written in third person. First person is kinda' frustrating for me to write, but I wanted to get into the heads of Spike and Angel, before I started anything remotely story-like.)

Anyway, thanks for the reviews. Please don't skip out on me now! I'm dying to hear what you think.