~
"What are you doing?"
"Getting a book. Hang on a minute."
*Rustling in the bookshelves*
"Fuck, doesn't he have anything here without 'for the ridding of' in the title?"
"Who, Wes? No. No I don't think he does. What do you want a book for? Getting rid of your inner demons?"
"See that sense of humour's coming right along, love. No, I wanted to read you a story."
"...why?"
"Because you're all laid up. Got to do something to pass the time until we can shag again."
"So you're going to read to me? Can't you...find a demon to kill or something?"
"What and miss out on that look. I don't think so."
"What look?"
"_That_ one. See, you look like you'd rather I was wrenching out your fangs. Actually, we could have a go..."
"Read the story."
"Can't. Told you, matey here hasn't got any. I'll have to make one up."
"You? Tell a story? What am I getting - Snow white and the poison dwarves?"
"You're a laugh a minute, you are, mate. Now just lie there and shut up. You're good at that."
*bedsprings creak*
"Get out of bed, Spike. I'm too bruised for sex."
"And who says I want your sorry arse anyway? Anyway, budge over, I need to get comfy."
"You hog the bed."
"Look, I won't touch your hair, scout's honor."
"You have no honour."
"Nope, you took care of that decades ago. Now come on, sit back and listen to uncle Spike. Once upon a time..."
"Full of originality, aren't you?"
"_Once upon a time_ in a land far far away."
"That's Star Wars."
"No it isn't. Shut up."
"It is, all you had to do was add in 'galaxy' instead of land."
"Shut up! Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a brave warrior."
"Called Angel?"
"Called Spike. And this brave warrior was the best in the land, scrapping with everything and coming out on top. The badger's nadgers at fighting, wrestling and quaffing."
"I used to be good at quaffing."
"Well you're crap now - the blood doesn't even dribble down your chin."
"I don't like waste. Or mess."
"Tell me about it, I can't even leave the paper in the bathroom without you dumping it in the bin."
"It looks untidy."
"So do you, but I don't dump you in the bin. So this warrior kills everything brave and strong in the land and gets hauled in front of the princess. And she's a hot bit of stuff..."
"Cordy?"
"Oh fuck _that_. How about that bird from Wolfram and Hart?"
"Not Lilah."
"That's her. Excellent bit of bad medicine that. So she gets him in front of her and after she's done ogling his lean, firm body, marked with well oiled scars on his muscles..."
"Egotism has your picture next to it in the dictionary."
"...she tells him about this horrible warty toad creature that lives on a little island just outside the kingdom. All slimy and hunched."
"It had better not be called Angel."
"And it's being a big pain in the bum so she wants rid. Asks him if he'll do it and squeezes in a bit of a royal grope. And our hero, being such a brave and fearless type, says he'll get rid of it for her, for a big fuck off share of the treasury."
"It's not me, right?"
"So he wanders off into the forest, armed to the teeth, cause this type of thing's tricky. And when he's almost there, he gets knocked into this pit by a big burly bear. Arm-wrestles it into submission, but then he's snookered, right? The pit's deep."
"Cause I'm not slimy, so it wouldn't be me."
"Will you shut up about the warty thing, it's not you, okay?"
"No?"
"No. Now let me get on with it, will you?"
"Okay, go on, tell me about this pit you got knocked into."
"Right, so he tries to get out, muscles flexing across his back, woven top getting torn ragged and exposing his belly, hips peaking out of his pants..."
"Now you're making me uncomfy."
"Prone to a bit of the visual, heh? Fancy a taste of the real thing?"
"The story, Spike. Tell the story."
"So he can't get out, and it all looks bad for our hero so he sits down and has a smoke."
"Your fantasy kingdom has smokes?"
"It's _my_ fantasy, it can have whatever it fucking wants. Anyway, so he's sitting there and he sees this big twinkly light."
"Demons?"
"And it sparkles near his face until it flashes out and becomes human looking. All big and broad with foofy hair. And it says, 'Don't worry, for I am Angel, King of the Fairies, and I will save you.'"
"You. Made. Me. A. Fairy."
"King of the fairies, mate, don't forget the King bit. So our hero gets up and takes the fairy's hand and they fly out of the pit and toward the warty toad thing."
"I would have preferred being the warty toad."
"Make your mind up, mate! Anyway, so they hit the big warty toad with everything they've got, tearing it apart and getting covered in slime and blood and it's this great fuck off battle. And the fairy gets all caught up and has to be rescued and Spike's doing all the fighting, down to just his teeth and..."
"I do not need to be rescued by you. I never need that."
"Oh like hell you don't. The only reason you're laid up now is cause you thought you could do it all by your lonesome. Now shush, it's getting good."
"You made me a fairy. There's no way it's getting good."
"And they kill it, driving a big sword through its belly and twisting until something pops."
"Okay, now I feel sick. Popping bellies? I'm never letting you near any children - you're way too inventive with this gore."
" So they kill the beast, nip back to the castle and pick up the loot before heading back to the hero's lair."
"And the princess gets in another grope of the 'fearless' hero?"
"Oh fuck no, they bite her and feed until she's dry."
"And the palace guards do nothing?"
"They drink them too."
"And everyone else?"
"Jesus, Angel. It's a story, stop being picky!"
"Sorry, just thought you'd want it right."
"You want to hear what happens when they get back to the lair or not?"
"Okay, what happens then?"
"The big fairy looks round at the countryside and sees the waterfall, sheds his kecks and gets under it, letting the water cascade down his naked body while the hero gets on with all the manly stuff."
"I could do manly stuff."
"You're covered in monster slime."
"So I'm in the waterfall and you're what, chopping wood?"
"Yeah, something like that. Only the fairy's all naked and washing, so the hero walks closer to get a good eyeful."
"This isn't proper behavior for a hero"
"You're ruining a good thread. Now shut up. So he's standing there."
"The hero or the fai...Angel?"
"The hero. And the fairy's all lathered up."
"He found soap in a waterfall."
"Don't piss in my fantasy, mate. So he's lathered up, all sliding over his long body, washing his shoulders, moving over his neck and down to his arse."
"Can you say ass, instead?"
"No. And the water's everywhere and the hero watches until the big fairy's hand slides to his cock. He's making such a complete hash of it."
"You're saying I don't know how to wash myself?"
"So the hero steps up and starts putting in a bit of effort, making sure the fairy's really clean. All soap all over the place and tangled in the fairy's hair and just moving round and squeezing."
"Like this?"
"Yeah, just like this. Only you'd be a bit wetter."
"You wouldn't be?"
"Nah, water slips off me real easily. So he's there, squeezing and pulling and just picking up a nice and easy rhythm and the fairy gets all bothered and put out cause it's not Saturday and walks off, leaving the hero to pull his own plonker."
"What?"
"He buggers off. Cause the fairy's an uptight wanker who wouldn't know a good time if he was offered it."
"That's...I don't like that ending. Where're you taking your hand?"
"Taking it back, cause you're not up to doing naughty things. Now settle down and sleep like a good little vampire."
*bed-clothes rustle*
"Oi! Where do you think you're going with that?"
"I'm fantasizing, don't piss in it."
"I thought you weren't well."
"I'm feeling better. In fact, I'm feeling..."
"A bit higher if you don't mind, mate."
"Oh I don't mind. So tell me, Spike, do you want to hear my ending?"
"Go on then, stun me."
"The fairy started to walk away, but then he realized exactly how taut and fuckable..."
"And muscular."
"And muscular the hero was. So he went back and licked every inch of the hero's body until he was limp and then fucked him into he mattress."
"He doesn't have a mattress."
"I do."
"How you come you get to do all the fucking? It was _my_ story!"
"Well if you will make me King"
"Of the fairies!"
"Don't argue with royalty. Now roll over."
"Huh, next time, you get to be the warty hog beast. "
~end~