"Well, this worked out brilliantly," Spike said in his best sarcastic voice.
"Spike. Shut up."
Pushing against the wall of crushed stone with little in the way of effect, Spike turned to Angel and gave him a half-bow. "No really, it was a mark of pure genius chasing the Molnock into a cave. Only wish it'd been my idea."
"It usually is your idea, Spike." Angel leaned his head against the damp side of the cave, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness. "In fact, the last three times we've had to be rescued it was because I was saving you!"
"Not much of a hero are you then? Always having to be saved during a rescue mission."
"I've got an idea. How about you go to the back of the cave and bang your head against it until you bust your way out?"
Giving Angel a two fingered salute, Spike paced back and forth, looking over the jumble of rock and tree roots blocking the only exit from the cavern. "Too bad the Molnock was such a crap shot with a bolt," Spike said, giving up on his attempt to loosen a large boulder.
"Why's that?" Angel muttered as he took his cell phone from his jacket pocket and began pressing buttons at random trying to get a signal. After a few seconds the phone began playing shrill ring tones one after another.
"Starving here, mate." Spike took Angel's phone and threw it against the cave wall, smiling as the obnoxious beeping stopped. "Least the bloke could have done was give you a gaping puncture wound for me to clean up."
Angel groaned and slid down the wall until he landed on the soft earth of the ground. "Do you ever have a thought that isn't specifically designed to make me ill?"
"Then shut up."
"Could at least offer to open a vein or something."
"Spike, we had breakfast together, or am I the only one remembering Harmony's Beaver surprise?" Angel ran his fingers through his hair, slightly retching at the thought of what the surprise might have been if beaver was the known ingredient. "You're no more hungry than I am."
"I did all the work back there, I mean you would have been yard debris if I hadn't stopped him."
"You didn't stop him, you tripped him by throwing me at him."
"Well, it worked didn't it."
"We're stuck in a fucking cave Spike!"
"Yeah, but you'll notice the extreme lack of two piles of dust."
"Two minutes ago you were wishing he had shot me."
"Shot yeah, not staked. Who the hell would I hang out with if I let your poncy ass get dusted?"
"We are not hanging out Spike! We are trapped in a cave, two miles from the nearest road. The demon is probably still outside waiting for us, and you've smashed my cell phone " Angel jumped from the floor, grabbing a rock and began tossing it from hand to hand.
"Phone wouldn't work from in here anyway, even if you knew how "
"That's not the point," Angel said, nearly ready to knock Spike unconscious with the rock.
Noticing Angel's glare aiming more specifically at him, Spike prodded, "You were telling me the point."
"The point is is that this is not a date, it's a trap, and it sucks so quit bouncing around like an idiot and help me find a way out."
"Don't start drama queening on me. I'm just passing the time. You know, the age old art of conversation?"
"Well, pass it somewhere else."
"There is nowhere else, as you keep pointing out, we're stuck in a bleedin' cave."
Angel took a larger boulder from the base of the pile and threw it to the back of the cave. The rock shattered, sending a cloud of dust into the air.
"What'd'ya do that for?" Spike asked, moving towards the entrance to avoid the last bits of falling rock.
"Because no one is going to do it for us. It's not like a band of vampire-rescuing fairies is mobilizing to come and save us."
"I'm going to tell Wesley and Gunn you said they wouldn't save us." When Angel answered with nothing but a growl, Spike grabbed another good sized rock and sent it to the back wall with a satisfying clamor. "Right, we'll just keep tossing until we see daylight. Oh, wait a mo', that would be daft."
"It'll take hours to get that far, we'll just work at it until we're too tired to move."
"You really are shite at this motivating speech thing."
"Worried I'll outlast you? I mean you are starving," Angel said airing quote marks with his hands.
"Oh, come on grandpa, I always could." Spike threw two more boulders in quick succession, coughing as the resulting blast of rock dust hit the front of the cave.
"You really have been drunk for the last hundred years, haven't you? And I thought it was just an act." Angel dropped another rock and kicked it to the rear wall.
"That act worked like a charm as I recall." Spike handed Angel a handful of pebbles, grabbing a huge boulder from the pile. "Can't count how many times you took advantage thinking I'd be too far gone to remember in the morning."
Tossing the rock onto the new pile forming behind them, Spike turned away so Angel couldn't see the grimace on his face as he shook his arms, loosening the over-burdened muscles.
"I never why are we even talking about this?" Angel asked, casting the pebbles aside and beginning to throw rocks in earnest until a sheen of sweat began to show at his temples. "Let's just get out of here."
Spike stared at the massive pile before them and the dozen rocks behind them and then set the rock in his hand back into place. "What's your hurry?"
"My hurry? Are you having some sort of spontaneous retardation?" Angel took the rock Spike had placed back at the entrance and sent it flying to the back of the cave.
"S'not like anyone's gonna walk in. I can't think of a better place to have a go."
"You apparently can't think at all if you think I'm 'having a go' at anything with you in here." Angel stood with his mouth open for a second, trying to ignore the bedroom eyes Spike was trying his best to make seen through the darkness of the cave.
Squatting down, Angel grabbed an armful of stone and carried it to the back of the cave. When he returned to the front, Spike placed a hand on Angel's arm, wasting no time in pulling their bodies closer together. Angel made an attempt to shrug him off, but Spike just pressed his back to the wall of boulders, holding him in place. When Angel stopped struggling, Spike covered his lips in a dust-filled kiss.
Angel resisted for a moment, releasing the rocks he had grabbed intending to smash Spike upside the head. Pushing Spike away just long enough to wipe the dust from his face, Angel pulled Spike back to his chest, pressing him into a powerful kiss. As their tongues entwined, Spike reached a hand between them, sliding it against Angel's stomach and over his hardening body. Using his thumb to pop open the button on Angel's trousers, Spike had barely reached his hand inside to grasp Angel's cock when two huge wooden stakes came bursting through the rocks on either side of them. Impaled on one of the stakes was a nearly dead Molnock demon with very wide eyes.
As the stakes disappeared back through the rocks, the wall crumbled beneath them, sending the vampires sprawling into the entrance of the cave, hopelessly entangled together. Looking up, Spike and Angel saw Gunn and Wesley peering through the dust-covered windshield of Gunn's truck.
"Seems I owe the fairies an apology," Spike said, nonchalantly withdrawing his hand from Angel's pants. Spike pushed himself to standing, shifting uncomfortably as his erection protested the sudden change in plans.
"Angel, man you okay?" Gunn asked, stepping down from the truck to give him a hand up.
"We're fine," Angel murmured, hoping his lips weren't as red as Spike's.
"Yeah, we're fine," Spike agreed.
"It looked like the two of you were " Wesley stopped himself short of saying the words that had popped into his mind.
"Lack of oxygen," Spike said in way of explanation. "Makes you do crazy things."
"Lack of but you're vampires," Wesley started to argue.
"Oh, right," Spike said as he jumped into the truck.
Angel buttoned his trousers as he stumbled towards the truck. "Could we just get home before sunrise?"
"Yeah," Spike said, leaning his head out the driver's side window. "The great rescuer of all things demon and I better talk about this whole vampire thing. I'm still a bit confused."
"Looked to me like you knew what you were doing," Gunn said as pulled the giant stakes from their holsters and put them into the back of the truck. Squeezing into the cab of the truck, Gunn pushed Spike towards the middle of the bench seat.
"Did it?" Spike asked, "Cause it felt so wrong "
"Shut up Spike," Angel growled as he moved close enough to Spike to let Wesley into the truck.
"Yes, please do," Wesley added.
"Man, this is the last time we come after you two. You're just gonna have to start wearing those tracking thingies again. My ass is getting tired of bailing you two out every time you get stuck together." Gunn turned the ignition on and began backing away from the cave.
"Yeah, we hardly ever call you when we're really stuck together," Spike whispered into Gunn's ear, earning him a jab to the ribs.
"We weren't stuck together," Angel protested.
"Well, I suppose it's a good thing we got here when we did then. I'd hate to have seen what effects more lack of oxygen would have had on the both of you." Wesley instinctively locked the door and slid closer to it as Spike and Angel exchanged a look that left little doubt as to what would have happened had their rescuers not appeared.
When the quartet reached Wolfram & Hart, Spike was the only one smiling,
but not the only one heading to the penthouse as Gunn and Wesley walked
to their offices squirming.